Epistemics: like this opening line, idea largely adapted from celeste-land and other blogs I’ve been reading. Written in a lavender latte-induced fugue state
A lot of us, understandably, care a lot about appearances. Humans are a social species after all, and we’re hardwired to view social rejection or awkwardness as a threat to our life. This behavior is, evidently, incredibly maladapted to modern society. Many people develop complexes simply because with the density and breadth of interactions we have today, we’re bound to have a great deal of potentially humiliating moments.
Another major downside of this way of thinking happens when we have the opportunity to learn & update our model of the world. Regularly challenging your own beliefs and knowledge is super important to staying on top of things, but it’s nearly impossible to do this without exposing yourself to the potential to be publicly wrong. Being wrong in public is terrifying for a lot of people for the same reasons I explained above, and so for many, this never happens.
What I actually mean by “looking smart” here is relaying guesses as fact, or in some cases straight up hallucinating information in order to seem like you have the answer. It’s an attractive proposition- you avoid having to admit you don’t know something, and if nobody else knows any better they’re unlikely to check you on it. This can also extend to not asking questions for fear of looking foolish in front of an expert. Oftentimes we don’t even realize we’re doing this for long periods of time (ask me how I know).
This is a plainly horrible idea when viewed from outside the moment though. At best, you’re spreading misinformation that your friends & colleagues might latch onto and either spread further or act on themselves. This also generally backfires in terms of public opinion, since people pretty strongly distrust you once they realise you’ve been bullshitting half of the time.
Perhaps the worst consequence of this, though, is that this practice robs you of the ability to improve your understanding of the world. In many cases, saying “I’m not sure, let’s google it” or asking that potentially silly question will give you brand new knowledge to add to your repertoire. Sure, it might be embarrassing for a second or two (it actually probably won’t.) but then you’ll be able to draw on that information for the rest of your life. Even in a purely utilitarian sense, that minus one util you risk from embarrasment pales in comparison to the nearly infinite potential upsides. You’re making yourself look dumber in the long run by trying to avoid it momentarily in the near term!
This is a thing I’ve done a lot in the past and am only recently (circa last ~1.5 yrs) realizing & working on. It is (quite understandably) quite difficult to fight a long-entrenched behavior that’s reinforced by biological priorities. I’ve worked out a few techniques that seem to help though, and I hope you find them useful as well. Obligatory your mileage may vary, etc etc.
Communicate the epistemic status of facts you share with people. If you’re repeating something based on secondhand information, say so. If it’s an educated guess, say that as well. Broadly speaking, saying this out loud forces you to realize when you don’t really know something for sure, and encourages you to verify your beliefs.
Be the one to break the ice. Oftentimes, when experts are available to learn from, there’s a group of people in attendance. Encourage yourself to be the first to speak & ask whatever’s on your mind. This will not only get you over the hump of starting, it’ll encourage others to continue asking more questions (whose answers could also be useful!).
Seek out knowledge from your peers and mentors. If you’re in the habit of actively deferring to or asking questions of people who might know more than you on a subject, it’ll be easier to defer to them again when you’re on the spot in the future. Like any skill, it helps to practice in an environment where you’re more in control, and that practice will help you in less controlled situations later.
Changing this behavior of mine has done a great deal for me in recent months! I’ve actually gained far more respect from others than I did from pretending (go figure). It’s also just broadened my knowledge in many ways, and I feel more competent than I did a year ago when in technical conversations. This is also a great way to reduce broader social anxiety! I feel much more comfortable in parties, conferences, and other events than I did before. It’s amazing how much better you feel when you care less about who you appear to be and focus on who you actually are.
I really appreciate all my friends who have pointed this out and helped me catch mistakes (hi Julie and Ava :3).
I also want to defer to a celeste-land post that partly inspired this one (and is likely far better written). It talks about being willing to “do random shit” and how looking stupid in front of experts is a good thing, actually. She also has this post which is perhaps more related and also excellent, but the earlier one was the specific impetus for writing this myself. Honestly just go subscribe to her, she’s brilliant and deserves your time and money.
If you made it this far, thank you! I hope to be blogging more regularly this year so you hopefully won’t have to wait another 12 months for my next rambling open letter.